you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
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