There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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