hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
