Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Everclear isn't food dammit
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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