I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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