Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
