Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
