seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
