I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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