you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
