I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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