You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
