wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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