I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
