She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
whose parrot is this?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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