3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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