he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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