i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
