I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize