just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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