got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my shit smells like andre
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
