"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
