How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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