I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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