I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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