last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
