my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
