I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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