why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize