in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
