Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
