I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
