Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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