Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
