Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
