I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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