so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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