I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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