i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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