his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
