my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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