Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
