Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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