I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
