It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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