Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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