Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
