I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
