fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
