she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
