what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
