fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
