Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You're a waste of cheezeits
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
