if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
