The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
