id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
