You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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