My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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