Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
