She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
