The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
