Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
