Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
