My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
