She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
