I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
